From the Merriam-Webster.com dictionary definition that popped up on Google: 1. A crusty, ill-tempered, and usually old man. 2. archaic: miser.
Shut up.
Before I looked up the spelling/definition, my roommate -- Beatrice -- guessed (correctly) at the "old man" part, and observed, "I have never heard a woman called 'curmudgeon.' "
No comment. (Except, maybe I was a young curmudgeon, too. Still a miser.)
The reason for this discussion, this blog, is a chapter I read in my current library read, The Best of Frank Deford, one of my favorite sports writers of all time.The book's subtitle is I'm Just Getting Started ...
Well ... now he's finished. OK, that's a bit harsh, but true.
This book was published in 2000, and so Frank's brilliant career can only be remembered. He died last May 28 at age 78, one of several journalism greats we lost in 2017.
We loved reading Frank and listening to him, although I know of people who thought he was a pompous you-know-what.
He was a Sports Illustrated superstar writer for much of 45 years and did commentaries for National Public Radio for 37 years, almost right to the end of his life.
He also was editor-in-chief of The National, the first sports daily newspaper in the U.S., a short-lived (18 months) but excellent product. And he wrote 18 books, nine of them novels, including Everybody's All-American, which became a movie (can you say Billy Cannon?)
My favorite Deford book, which brought many tears, is Alex: The Life of a Child. Alexandra, Frank and his wife's daughter, was a brave cystic fibrosis victim who died at age 8 in 1980. Frank was national chairman of the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation for years.
This book includes some of his best stories -- most for SI -- and 71 of his NPR commentaries (yes, I had to count them) through 2000.
One commentary, which in this book follows Frank's rambling novel, far-too-long (18 pages) on the sport of bowling (bowling, Kent Lowe!), is titled "The Sports Curmudgeon."
It resonated with me, and I found that Frank played this character repeatedly through his NPR commentary career.
So I am going to plagiarize this particular piece, and share it with you. Frank delivered it on NPR in 1997, but I find myself agreeing with it and we could expand on it greatly in today's sports world.
Because "curmudgeon" defines how I feel about sports today. Like it less and less, daily, and not as interesting, and I'm not as interested in watching. (No NFL or NBA on the TV here, even less baseball and college football.)
Never thought I would get here. Wrote a blog on that not too long ago. But I found in Deford's book that, even in 2000, he questioned much of what was happening, for instance, in college athletics and wrote/talked about the hypocrisy involved. He has several chapters discussing that. I think it's only gotten worse.
Enough from me. Here's Frank, The Sports Curmudgeon, 1997. See what you think.
---
Watch out! The Sports Curmudgeon is here, and he is angry. He has been locked up in a sports bar all year, reading the agate in the USA Today sports section and listening to sports talk radio, until this past week, when for four days running, he had to hear television announcers refer to The Augusta National Golf Course in the sacred tones reserved for Bethlehem, Mecca, the Wailing Wall and the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.
So, The Sports Curmudgeon has had it up to here, and therefore now releases his Top Eleven list of things he can simply no longer abide in sport. (The reason it is a Top Eleven is because The Sports Curmudgeon is overflowing with so much bile that he can't restrict it to a Top Ten.) Herewith, then, from The Sports Curmudgeon.
Number 1 INTERMINABLE LASER INTRODUCTIONS AT NBA GAMES
The Sports Curmudgeon asks: Has anybody but me noticed that the more the NBA devotes its energy to laser introductions, the more boring are the post-introductions ... or "games," as we used to call them.
Number 2 VICTORIOUS FOOTBALL TEAMS WHO POUR GATORADE ON THEIR COACHES
The Sports Curmudgeon says, okay, maybe it was funny the first time a dozen years ago. Maybe. Once. Maybe. Besides, how stupid are the coaches now not to expect being doused?
Number 3 ANNOUNCERS IN ANY SPORT WHO SAYS THAT THE -- CHOOSE ONE: SHOOTER, QUARTERBACK, HITTER -- HAD "A GOOD LOOK."
Fine women have good looks. The Sports Curmudgeon says: Keep good looks out of sports.
Number 4 BASEBALL SCHEDULING GAMES EARLY IN APRIL IN PLACES LIKE MILWAUKEE AND DENVER.
The Sports Curmudgeon says that baseball needs two things: a commissioner and a calendar. Or, a commissioner who can read a calendar. Okay, just a calendar.
Number 5 MALE TENNIS PLAYERS WHO STICK THE SECOND SERVICE BALL IN THEIR POCKETS
"Where has style in sports gone to?" cries The Sports Curmudgeon, bemoaning lumpiness.
Number 6 FEMALE TENNIS PLAYERS WHO STICK THE SECOND SERVICE BALL IN THEIR PANTIES
See same Sports Curmudgeon response, number 5. Only more virulently. Would Kathryn Hepburn stick a tennis ball in her panties? Would Emily Post?
Number 7 AMERICAN SPORTS FANS WHO SCREAM "U!S!A!" "U!S!A!" WHEN WE ARE BEATING PARAGUAY OR SRI LANKA 75-3
The Sports Curmudgeon says that patriotism is the last refuge of a rotten sports fan.
Number 8 HOCKEY GOALIES WHO LEAVE THEIR LITTLE WATER BOTTLES ON TOP OF THEIR NETS
The Sports Curmudgeon says: We do not need littering on the field of play. What's next? Picnic lunches for the right fielder? A bad precedent.
Number 9 MIKE TYSON
Only The Sports Curmudgeon can't decide whether he disliked Iron Mike more when he was a bully, or now, when he is scared to death of old Evander Holyfield.
Number 10 "SHOW ME THE MONEY"
Next would-be funny guy who says "show me the money," The Sports Curmudgeon says: Show him the door.
Number 11 PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES WHO INVITE ALL WINNING TEAMS TO THE WHITE HOUSE
The Sports Curmudgeon says: Go back to number 7. Presidents who do this are only looking for the votes of those jackasses. Hey, why not invite some good losers to the White House?
Now, The Sports Curmudgeon is off to see the new Dennis Rodman movie, so he can start getting his blood boiling again.
And to you and yours, he says, Have a good look!
---
Thank you, Frank. See it still applies. We probably could do a Top Hundred, but haven't you suffered enough?
From Jim Robinson: Loved the blog, but the way it started I would have thought that Augusta National would have made the top 11. I always thought that Frank deserved to be a movie star. He had those kind of looks.
ReplyDeleteFrom Mike Richey: And how about cornerbacks who celebrate every defended pass as if he just planted the flag at Iwo Jima. Or every LeBron or LeBron wannabe who looks aghast at officials for no calls after every missed shot. I could have fun with this.
ReplyDeleteI remember a Deford story before an Indy 500 that started how everybody in almost every sporting event talked about the merits of being loose. He wrote at the Indy 500, nobody wants anybody to be loose. Good stuff.
From Bob Tompkins: Add to the list: cheerleading sports commentators (Romo, Romo, Romo your boat!).
ReplyDeleteFrom Ross Montelbano: I guess I'm just a ordinary consumer of sports information. All I care about is the event, who made great plays, the effort, and ultimately what caused the outcome. I don't give a crap about whether they approved of the play calling or which team got screwed by the officials and I really don't care where they ate the night before or what star of the moment they had the meal with. Deford was in the same category as Howard Cosell. He WAS the event. Bob Golic once said, "It doesn't count if you give yourself a nickname." Deford was the Deion "Prime Time" of sportswriters. I'm sure sportswriters loved him. He brought a level of notoriety to their profession. Then again the great ones didn't need notoriety. Sorry to disagree, Nico, but your version of sports was a heck of lot more enjoyable that this pompous ...
ReplyDeleteFrom Orville Davis: Frank Deford was the best, smartest sportswriter ever. Reading him was like attending an English class.
ReplyDeleteFrom Taylor Moore: Fortunately Milwaukee now has a removable dome stadium for baseball. Denver still applies. With all of the variables, scheduling is one of the hardest things to do in sport.
ReplyDeleteFrom Doug Bland: We've gone from laser pregame shows to "cold fireworks" before football games and flame throwers before basketball and football games. Sometimes it's hard to see the first series of a football game because of the smoke.
ReplyDeleteI've read Deford's book about his daughter and always listed to him on NPR in the mornings going to work.
You qualify as a semi curmudgeon. I now plan to use that word to describe some of my clients.
From Frank Bright: Picking out one, the major league season will start even earlier this year. Trying to avoid October weather, I guess. Somebody suggested recently that MLB should just shorten the season. Pretty simple idea.
ReplyDeleteFrom Leo Van Thyn: Loved the post. As a Canadian, number 7 gets to me a lot. You should be proud of your country’s accomplishment but this chant gets used in situations that simply don’t warrant it or in situations when fans can’t think of anything to chant. It’s funny that in Canada we often get criticized for not being nationalistic enough. Need I say number 4? Games in April in Toronto are a challenge. Yes, we have a dome which we can close, but going to a baseball game in winter clothing? Just not right. Number 9. Why is this guy still a celebrity? He was good at beating up people in the ring but he also beat up people outside of the ring, perhaps even women. Number 11 -- No problem with Presidents who know the sports, like W and baseball and Obama with virtually any sport. But #45 inviting a hockey team? Give me a break. He wouldn’t know a hockey puck from a baseball. Come to think of it, he is a hockey puck.
ReplyDelete